Are boundaries the same as control?
Sometimes people hesitate to create or enforce boundaries because they're concerned about being viewed as controlling. This is a very valid feeling and so much has to do with viewpoint. First let's talk about your viewpoint within yourself

Having internal boundaries is important. If you haven't caught the 21 Day Empowered Growth Challenge please check here. Having good internal boundaries and a sense of self is critical. There's an upcoming course to further expand on the 21 Day Challenge so stay tuned!

So how do we view our boundaries?

Control is about getting others to do something we want them to do. It's from the viewpoint of receiving action from someone else or something we desire from someone else. They have something we want and we work to figure out a way to control the situation.

Sometimes the thing we want is for others to stop a certain behavior. They may be acting inappropriately or lacking emotional regulation.

If you haven't been to one of my boundaries bonus workshops in the past the concepts are now part of the Gentle Boundaries program

Boundaries are always from the point of view of protecting ourself, controlling just our own self, limiting what we can offer. Modesty is defined as knowing your limitations. Realistically each of us only has so many minutes in a day and a good portion of those minutes are set with non-negotiable things like

  • sleep and basic self-care like washing, brushing your teeth etc

  • eating including food prep or purchase and all that surrounds the workflow of food for a household

  • work including drive time if we don't work from home or prep time if we do work from home

  • necessary tasks around the home, all that goes into cleaning and maintenance of a home including grounds maintenance

  • the basic things of having a family and time accounted for normal distractions getting to and from one of the necessary things listed above
Taking all that into account realistically what do you have left to give to others? This is a huge question. A counselor actually had me draw a pie chart and segment out the hours of my day calculated on a 24-hour day. Not only did that help me see I have very little wiggle room but it also pointed out some heavy imbalance towards work. Not only was I working a 10-hour day but I was taking work home and even dreaming about work sometimes!

So I'd recommend sit down and do an exercise similar to that either a typical day or a typical week or you can get more detailed and actually go through your daily schedule. This is your bare minimum, your must-do's without any extra padding or unexpected appointments or tasks.

Once you realistically have your available time calculated you'll know with all modesty what you have to offer to others at a bare minimum. Remember your own necessary appointments and unplanned tasks including that burst pipe or unscheduled trip to the dentist!

In the meantime please check out the Gentle Boundaries course info that includes how to structure a healthy and gentle boundary - it's simple and easy once you know how!

Gentle Boundaries course includes a discount for one on one coaching!

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