Ooo this landed with me. Interestingly a few years back, I felt the weight of carrying the entirety of several relationships. It was noticeable to me I was constantly initiating and reaching out. The world was in chaos, I was tired and yet I persisted in trying to connect with other humans who obviously couldn't care less.
I felt emotions and feelings of desperation, longing, childlike and small. I felt of little value in the relationships.
I dropped the rope. It wasn’t a test. It was sincerely because I was tired. Relationships require two people, not a burden for one to carry alone.
When I stopped doing all the work to allow space for the relationships to flow naturally, there was no relationship. It never existed, except in my mind.
I was a human doing not a human being. I wasn’t loved for my existence and kindness. I outlived my usefulness to these others and didn’t see there was no actual relationship.
That’s not to say there never was a relationship. That’s not really for me to judge. That would require reading the other persons heart and mind.
It just meant for now, at this point in time, there is no relationship. A relationship requires two people to participate. That’s the very nature and definition of a relationship.
The weight of that realization is sad, but honestly in some ways I’m too tired to care.
The beauty of all of that though, is that it made space not just time, but in my heart and mind for others who actually value a true relationship. There are new members in my inner circles of intimacy these days. Deep down I’m happier for it even though I’m grieving.
Occasionally I still reach out to some for my own self. I express love and show love to others in a way that aligns to my values and in the way I feel able to offer and express. It doesn't even need to be received by the other person. Maybe they need love in a way I cannot offer. Maybe I need love in a way they cannot offer. That doesn't mean either of us is unlovable. It just means our capacity to offer what is needed by another just isn't there.
For me, love is a feeling in the heart. It's not like other emotions. Love doesn't ebb and flow like other emotions. We can love someone and be angry or fearful or sad but our love stays steady. The person may not even be living, yet our love continues. We may not see someone often if they live far away, yet our love remains strong. I try to attune to others and learn their love language. That doesn't mean my capacity to provide the depth they need is available and vice versa. It also doesn't mean we don't love intensely. Love just is.
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